Safe As Full Houses

The new Bruce Willis movie is being advertised as this decade's version of The Matrix... which I suppose is better than advertising it as yet another Bruce Willis movie.

But why is this selling of something as something that you already know so necessary?

What, you might ask, is the point of making a movie of The Sweeney... when the original can't be improved on? Why make a movie of The Edge of Darkness?

Why re-make The War of the Worlds? Or Batman? Or Anna Karenina?

And why on earth would you want to make stage shows of movies that people have already seen? Or stage shows that reproduce dead musicians in performance?

The simple answer is money. And they say no one ever failed to make money by underestimating the public's intelligence.

People spending money and people making money generally don't want to take any chances. So they sell and buy things that they know have already done the business.

Whatever happened to danger?

When In Rome

I've been away. I'm back. I went to Rome to coincide with my close friend, an American naturopathic physician, who was touring Italy. He's not been well lately and neither of us is getting younger, so I had the feeling it might be the last time we would meet.

It was an emotional reunion, as expected. But what I didn't expect was for him to notice a small patch on my skin and volunteer a diagnosis of actinic keratosis — a pre-cancerous lesion.

My doctor has just confirmed my friend was right, and I will have it treated. It was a good job that I went to Rome... on more than one level.

It might have been my last meeting with a dear friend. But then again, it might not. We agreed that we could meet again in five years' time, in India. If we're both still here...

As BB King said: "There is always one more time..."

Dark Star

It has just been revealed that Michael Jackson was "an emotionally paralysed mess". It has also just been revealed that the Pope is most likely a Catholic, and bears have been known to... well, you get the idea.

Promoters, emails have shown, feared that Jacko was in such a terrible state that he wouldn't be able to carry off his string of comeback concerts. Which he didn't.

But hadn't we all suspected for some time that he was an EPM? He was, at his peak, one of the most phenomenal musicians, singers and dancers ever seen. And as is so often the case, the EPM was surely part of that formidable package; that splurge of genius had to come from somewhere pretty dark...

Good, Bad Or Ugly?

According to much media reporting, Clint Eastwood made a bit of a fool of himself with his "empty chair" routine for the Republicans.

But if you watch his act, you may find it was refreshingly direct and even rather amusing. The idea that it was ill received certainly does not seem to be borne out by the reactions of a deliriously supportive audience.

The knock-'em-down media got it wrong. Clint's performance wasn't bad, but his decision to put his considerable weight behind Mitt Romney does seem disappointing. And that, long-term, is what may make him look foolish.

First Write Your Book...

How many times do you have to write a book before it's finished? I've lost count now. Having done what I thought was the final draft, I am now doing the final final draft of Like A Flower, my novel about life, death, love and gardening.

It's going to be out this autumn and the publisher wants the copy (in perfect condition) this week. Initially, I dreaded the prospect of going through it one more time. But having got two-thirds of the way, I've found that I'm enjoying it. Good story, good characters and some intriguing twists... Can't quite believe that it's by me.

And meanwhile the new book, With Fervent Heat, is under way. Can't wait to read it... but I guess I'll have to write it first.

We Capture The Castle

I've been away. I'm back. Just had a great camping trip to West Wittering, which surely must have the most impressive beach in the UK.

The weather was amazing and we once more enjoyed those traditional family holiday things of doing nothing, eating beans by the light of a lantern, and playing cards into the night.

But best of all was making sandcastles. The one pictured above not only survived the incoming evening tide, but was still there at the end of the following day. A testament to the building skills of Charlie, Nevada and Victoria. And a reminder of a wonderful time.

Cheese And Onions

"I have always felt in the back of my mind, cheese and onions"... in struggling to find any music that I really wanted to listen to at the moment, I was grateful to be given a copy of The Rutles album...

Cheese and Onions (extrapolated, of course, from the Beatles A Day In The Life) provides one of rock lyricism's finest moments, when Neil Innes sings Lennon-style: "Do I have to spell it out? C, H, E, E, S, E, A, N, D, O, N, I, O, N, S, oh no..."

Sheer meaningless genius that really does put the whole thing in perspective... perhaps "too much ****ing perspective", as Spinal Tap would say.